I must confess that if such a thing existed, I could be a secret, unofficial member of the Dieter F. Uchtdorf fan club. Sure, he’s aging well. He has a charming smile and a great sense of humor. He tells interesting stories and weaves them into impactful messages. But what I admire most about President Uchtdorf, is that he says things that no one else at the top of the church seems to be saying and he does it in a clear and direct way.
Consider this classic example from a conference talk given in October 2013.
The search for truth has led millions of people to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. However, there are some who leave the Church they once loved.
One might ask, “If the gospel is so wonderful, why would anyone leave?”
Sometimes we assume it is because they have been offended or lazy or sinful. Actually, it is not that simple. In fact, there is not just one reason that applies to the variety of situations.
Some of our dear members struggle for years with the question whether they should separate themselves from the Church.
In this Church that honors personal agency so strongly, that was restored by a young man who asked questions and sought answers, we respect those who honestly search for truth. It may break our hearts when their journey takes them away from the Church we love and the truth we have found, but we honor their right to worship Almighty God according to the dictates of their own conscience, just as we claim that privilege for ourselves.
I appreciate President Uchtdorf cautioning us not to assume that the reasons that people leave the church are simple, or that all people leave for the same reasons. During a recent Relief Society lesson, someone asked a related question, “Why is it that people who leave the church, can’t just leave it alone?” This question is also complicated and difficult to answer. I wanted to share my thoughts in that class, but knew it would be a tangent that didn’t mesh well with the purpose of the lesson.
Still, it has bothered me for the past several weeks that I didn’t say what I was thinking. So I’d like to attempt to answer this question here, despite knowing that I’m probably not the right person to do it. First, I’ve never left the church, so I can’t speak from my own experience, but I have been listening to some of those who have and trying to understand. Second, I don’t have a tiny fraction of the wisdom or eloquence of President Uchtdorf, but as far as I know, he hasn’t covered this one yet. So here goes. . .
A good starting point might be to consider just what a high demand religion the LDS church is. For many people of other faiths, religion represents just a small part of their lives, but not us. For those of us who are all in, we live and breathe Mormonism. We may have been raised to revere our pioneer ancestors and appreciate their sacrifices. Our role models growing up may have been our church leaders. All of our family for generations may have been LDS, making it both our heritage and our culture.
Conversely, we may be converts who left behind friends, family, or our former lifestyle to join the church. Either way, the level of commitment was probably huge. We likely have given the church a minimum of ten percent of our income over the span of many years, amounting to a substantial sum. The investment in time may be even greater. This could include two full years of missionary service during a critical period for getting an education and beginning a career. Callings may have required countless hours away from family or other pursuits. For many, the demands of Mormon life have left little time for outside interests or relationships. Is it really any wonder that those who have been the most devout seem to have the hardest time moving on after they leave?
Should we be surprised that some who leave are bitter about giving so much to an organization they now believe deceived them into doing it? I understand that this is where I am walking on shaky ground. So many members of the church don’t want to hear that there are serious issues with the church and its history, but to his credit, President Uchtdorf acknowledges that these problems exist. He continues:
Some struggle with unanswered questions about things that have been done or said in the past. We openly acknowledge that in nearly 200 years of Church history—along with an uninterrupted line of inspired, honorable, and divine events—there have been some things said and done that could cause people to question.
Sometimes questions arise because we simply don’t have all the information and we just need a bit more patience. When the entire truth is eventually known, things that didn’t make sense to us before will be resolved to our satisfaction.
Sometimes there is a difference of opinion as to what the “facts” really mean. A question that creates doubt in some can, after careful investigation, build faith in others.
And, to be perfectly frank, there have been times when members or leaders in the Church have simply made mistakes. There may have been things said or done that were not in harmony with our values, principles, or doctrine.
President Uchtdorf urges patience. Others recommend a practice that was first suggested by Camilla Kimball of putting questions on the shelf, but both of these ideas only seem to work well for those who are willing and able to use spiritual experiences as evidence. There are many critics of the church who can build an extremely strong case against the church if we only consider the facts and ignore the feelings.
Some of us have been blessed with undeniable miracles or confirmations of the spirit that allow us to shelve our questions and wait patiently for answers. I don’t know why others, who are equally sincere, fail to receive those same assurances. For these, discovering too many uncomfortable truths about the church, its leaders, or its history overloads their “shelves” to the point of collapse.
Often when those who are searching for answers or who have become disillusioned with the church try to discuss their questions and concerns with family and friends the responses they get make matters worse. The natural reaction from active members is too frequently to dismiss uncomfortable facts as anti-Mormonism, suggesting that the solution is to simply stop reading or listening to things that undermine faith in the church. It must be a disappointment to find that the same people who are so excited to share their testimonies of the truths of the gospel, aren’t interested in learning any new information if it contradicts their current beliefs.
Another concern is that those who bring up legitimate issues are sometimes met with calls to repentance, accusations of sin, or suggestions that everything can be solved by more prayer, scripture reading, or church activity. Those who question may end up feeling unwanted at church, and if they leave may be ostracized by the very groups that had once been their supporters. Is it difficult to understand why some who leave might want to defend themselves—to be heard and understood? Is it hard to imagine that those who believe they were deceived would feel it is their moral duty to enlighten others they see as similarly misled?
I don’t say any this as a condemnation of anyone else, as much as an acknowledgment of my own past attitudes and shortcomings. I feel like this is a conversation that members of the church should be having and I hope the time I have spent thinking about it will help me to be less judgmental, more empathetic, and a better listener in the future.
You see, I think we want the answers to our questions to be simple and easy, instead of complicated and challenging. More specifically, when we ask the question, “Why is it that people who leave the church, can’t just leave it alone?” we gravitate to answers like this one from Elder Glenn L. Pace in 1989.
It seems that history continues to teach us: You can leave the Church, but you can’t leave it alone. The basic reason for this is simple. Once someone has received a witness of the Spirit and accepted it, he leaves neutral ground. One loses his testimony only by listening to the promptings of the evil one, and Satan’s goal is not complete when a person leaves the Church, but when he comes out in open rebellion against it.
I believe he is referencing earlier declarations by Elder Neal A. Maxwell and the prophet Joseph Smith. While it is not my intention to criticize these statements or the brethren who made them, I am questioning whether our current church leaders are taking as tough a stance as has been previously done. I believe we like Elder Pace’s answer from the 1980’s because it puts all the blame on the person who leaves and doesn’t require anything of those of us who stay. I’m not suggesting that anyone needs to listen to criticism of the church. We don’t need to change our beliefs to match someone else’s. Instead, I’m wondering if we should consider the opportunities to practice more Christ-like behavior that showing love, friendship, and charity to those who doubt, oppose, or leave the church affords us.
As members of the church, we have covenanted to “mourn with those that mourn, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort.” Certainly, this includes those who have lost their testimonies. Aren’t all of God’s children, regardless of their current stance toward the church, worthy of our understanding, kindness, and generosity?
Elder Uchtdorf didn’t list every reason that people leave the church, and I have only touched on the reasons that some of our brothers and sisters struggle to move on after they do. I hope that in the future I will be less likely to judge and more likely to listen. I think that’s what Jesus would do.
