When my daughter, Natalie, was fourteen, I was concerned about her level of interest in our LDS faith and thought she might benefit from going to EFY (Especially for Youth is a weeklong event with classes and activities designed to help 14-18 year-olds “strengthen their commitments to the gospel of Jesus Christ”). Several of her older brothers had gone and loved it. They had come back with glowing reports of fun times, faith-promoting experiences, and new friendships. Two of them are actually married to girls they met at EFY. She agreed to attend as long as a she had a friend to go with. A quick online search revealed that all the most popular sessions were full, and probably had been for months. There was, however, space at Snow College in Ephraim.
Arrangements were made and I dropped the girls off, praying they would have meaningful, spiritual experiences. At the end of the week I was sorely disappointed. The crowd that registers for EFY Podunk, Utah (sorry Ephraim) halfway through the summer may be a whole different crowd than the one that registers for BYU, Provo on the day that registration opens. My 14 year-old daughter told of having fun with a couple of 18 year-old boys, who avoided conforming to church boot camp and experimented with lighting themselves on fire with rubbing alcohol. I was frustrated; this was not at all what I had been hoping for.
I disapproved of her new friends, who I considered too old and a poor influence, so of course the relationship lasted. The boys—we’ll call them Jim and Andy—were in a band and Nat and her friend stayed in touch and attended their concerts.
As the years passed Natalie stayed active, but with varying levels of devotion. During her first year away at college she hit a religious low. She didn’t feel like she fit in well in her student ward, and had little desire to attend their meetings. Concerned that her testimony was dwindling, she contacted the bishop and asked to meet with him. He was unresponsive and seemed to have no interest in her or her fading testimony.
It was during this time that she ran into Jim on campus, which was not uncommon. Since they both had a break before their next class, they started talking. Jim had served a mission and become a really cool, and somewhat untraditional Mormon, who instead of getting married right away and settling down, had traveled to third-world countries and done humanitarian work at orphanages. He asked Natalie where she stood with the gospel and listened as she recounted her doubts and list of grievances. He warned her not to mix up the gospel with the actions of the people, who all have faults. He told her something very simple that has stayed with her ever since. He said,
“It’s not about any of that; it’s about your relationship to God.”
Wow, that’s pretty profound coming from the kid who set himself on fire at EFY. I can’t tell you how many times I have repeated this simple sentence to myself since Natalie recounted this conversation, and I finally feel like I got my money’s worth out of what had seemed to be a failed attempt to strengthen my daughter’s faith.
Far too often I lose sight of what is essential. This happens when I find myself being critical of a leader who says or does something that rubs me the wrong way, when I disagree with a policy, or when I find myself judging the behaviors of others, instead of focusing on how to remedy my own faults. At these times it helps to remind myself, “It’s not about any of that; it’s about your relationship to God.”
I feel that structure of The LDS Church provides some unique opportunities to build connections with God. Unlike many denominations, where you choose the pastor, schedule, and congregation that suit you, Mormons are divided into geographical units, which require members to work with people they didn’t choose, endure instruction which may be dull or uninspiring, and attend meetings at an inconvenient hour. Thinking about the following definition of worship is slowly transforming my Sunday attitude.
In both Hebrew and Greek, there are two categories of words for worship. The first is about body language that demonstrates respect and submission; to bow down, to kneel, to prostrate oneself. The second is about doing something for God that demonstrates sacrifice and obedience; to offer, to serve.
Both parts of this definition seem significant. First, the very act of going to church shows respect and submission. The singing, prayers and sacrament provide opportunities to physically feel and outwardly show humility towards God, especially if we make a conscience effort towards devoted reverence.
It is in the second area, however, that Mormon worship seems exceptional. Having a lay local ministry provides numerous opportunities for service and infinite ways to practice being more Christ-like. Nearly everyone who is willing will be given callings and assignments that may be miles from our comfort zone or areas of expertise. Ideally, as we accept these assignments and attempt to accomplish them, we are supported, and encouraged by ward members who forgive our failings and appreciate our successes. I’m not saying that is the way it always happens, and I worry that as members we are far too judgmental and intolerant. Still, each week provides a new chance to see others as Christ does and to offer kindness, support and service.
Now, when I find myself thinking that church was boring and I didn’t get anything out of it, I try to remember that it isn’t about that. I should instead be asking myself what I gave to the experience; did I truly worship God, learn more about His nature, or build someone else up?
Jim’s simple wisdom is also good to consider when we have questions or doubts about the church, religion, history or policies. I regularly listen to several podcasts which provide me with new insights and viewpoints. Recently I listened to a to a man who I have always admired as both thoughtful and reasonable. In this particular episode he read a letter that he had written to a leader, outlining some of his questions and concerns about the church and asking for answers. These questions ranged from the logistical problems that make believing in the biblical stories of Noah and the flood and the Tower of Babel difficult if not impossible, to concerns over the behaviors of modern prophets, who have contradicted each other, behaved in questionable ways, and practiced polygamy. His list represents only a fraction of the tough questions that he could have posed and my heart aches because I don’t believe that this leader or any other will be able to give him satisfactory answers.
We simply don’t have adequate answers, even though the questions are valid and concerning. I don’t want to sound dismissive, insensitive, or irrational when I say, “It’s not about any of that; it’s about your relationship to God.” I acknowledge the difficulties that result from trying to reconcile logic and facts with miracles and spirituality. It is because of this that the answers given by the apologists are often unsatisfying, and may also be the reason why leaders often don’t choose to offer any direct answers at all. I realize that being told to exercise faith and patience is frustrating, but I believe that it is through exercising faith and patience that we strengthen our relationship with God. I am distressed when I see those who once loved the gospel turn their focus on the problems and lose that precious connection with the divine.
I believe that living with the uncertainties and doubts, struggling to maintain faith despite difficulties, and learning to hear and trust the promptings of the spirit are essential components of life’s purpose. We all want answers to our questions and often we want those answers to come in particular ways. God’s methods and timeline can be so different from our own that if we aren’t careful, we may believe He doesn’t exist, doesn’t care, or isn’t answering.
I found this experience related by Elder Robert D. Hales helpful.
Too often people feel that answers to their prayers and their pleading for guidance and direction will be given in dramatic manifestations or through a direct voice giving specific directions from a heavenly host. My personal experience and my observation of the Brethren as they guide and direct the Church and solve problems has taught me that the answers come oftentimes over an extended period of time with almost a natural solution whereby people take actions on the feelings of their hearts—which bring them peace and comfort—rather than through dramatic revelation.
Let me give you an example of how I learned this lesson. As a regional representative, I was traveling with President Marion G. Romney (1897–1988) to a stake conference for the selection of a new stake president. We had been driving in a car for more than an hour discussing the Church and priesthood administration. For some reason, I asked a question that, at the moment I asked it, I realized was inappropriate.
The question I asked President Romney was “What is the most spiritual experience you have had as an Apostle of the Lord?” There was a pause. It seemed like an eternity. Then he said, “I believe what Joseph Smith and Brigham Young taught, that if we would keep our spiritual experiences to ourselves, many more spiritual experiences could be shared with us.”
It seemed like there was a long period of silence after that remark, and then he said to me, “I owe you a better answer.” Then he gave me great counsel. He said the greatest spiritual experiences of his life had been when he had been on assignment from the President of the Church or the President of the Quorum of the Twelve, as we were that day. He said: “We will interview 25 or 30 priesthood brethren, and there will be more than one who will be qualified to be the stake president. But after we have done all we can do, we will get on our knees and pray to our Heavenly Father. We will tell Him of our feelings of who the new stake president ought to be and the reasons why. We will tell Him of the needs of the stake at this time. Then He will give us a confirmation.”
It was interesting that he said “us,” because it was true on that occasion that as we knelt and prayed, we both were able to receive a confirmation. . .
Isn’t it interesting that President Romney was sent to interview 25 or 30 men to choose one stake president rather than being told directly who it should be before his arrival? This is what the Lord means when He tells us to study it out in our own minds. Too often we want to be given answers to questions and problems that, if they were given in the manner we ask for them, would take away our agency and the blessings that come from reaching out to the Lord for answers and direction.
Life is challenging and there are so many things that can divert us from the goal of becoming more like the Savior if we aren’t frequently reminding ourselves, “It’s not about any of that; it’s about your relationship to God.” My current goal—and I have so much to learn and improve on—is to find ways to reach out and give Christ-like love to those who are struggling with doubt and whose views differ from my own. We are all God’s children, and we come to know God as we bless others.
