Beginning as a child and continuing up until about a year ago, I have been quite comfortable bearing a typical LDS testimony that included a lot of “I know. . .” and “I know. . .” That isn’t true anymore, but not because I have lost my testimony, but rather because my testimony has grown. I know that doesn’t appear to make sense, so let me try to explain.
Actually, let me begin with Fowler’s Stages of Faith. James Fowler was a theologian, human development expert, author and Methodist minister. His stages—which I have described below as I understand them—are just one of several theories on faith development, but they help to clarify my experiences during this past year.
- Stage 0→Primal or Undifferentiated (Birth through about 2) – If we are properly nurtured, we learn that we are an individual with needs and a voice. We learn to feel love, to trust, and to believe that the world is a safe place. We experience God through our primary caregivers. Since these are the years when we build the core of our identity and faith, neglect or abuse during this time can be very hard to undo.
- Stage 1→Intuitive-Projective (Preschool) – As language develops, we begin to distinguish between right and wrong and to understand actions and consequences. Through stories, visuals, and experiences we come to accept the beliefs of our parents and community. Children this age have difficult time using logic or differentiating between what is real and what is fantasy.
- Stage 2→Mythic-literal (Grade School) – During this stage we are able to separate the real from the imaginary. Generally we accept the faith of our parents, but understand it in a very literal way. We believe in the justice of the universe, see God as a parent, and expect to get what we pray for. Later in this stage we recognize that others have different beliefs than our own.
- Stage 3→Synthetic-conventional (Teen and onward) – At this stage, we are able to think abstractly, consider the views of others, and see layers of meaning. We claim a belief system as a part of our own identity, even though is it usually the system we were raised in. We value the stability found in our group, recognize authority outside ourselves (leaders and teachers), see things as black and white, and strive to conform. It is not uncommon to remain in this stage throughout our lives.
- Stage 4→Individuative-reflective (Early adulthood and onward) – Individuals in this stage often begin to think outside of the “box” of their religion. They may question religious leadership and become disillusioned with former beliefs. They may become cynical of all religion and choose to pursue a secular life, or they may claim their own religious authority and begin their own faith journey. While a person in this stage feels like they are progressing, others—especially members of their faith community who are still in Stage 3— will see this as back-sliding.
- Stage 5→Conjunctive (seldom entered until mid-life) – Those who reach this stage recognize the limits of logic, become comfortable with the unanswerable and indescribable, and value paradox. They embrace truth regardless of the source and have a greater increased in listening to opposing viewpoints. They place a greater value on both the community and individuals.
- Stage 6→Universalizing (rarely reached) – In this stage a person lets go of self and devotes their life to God and humanity. Their faith becomes simple and sure and they are able to relate to and love everyone.
My personal interpretation of Fowler’s stages leads me to believe that we can find God in any of them, but understanding that we may all be in different stages, or experiencing the stages in different ways, can help us to be more empathetic. This can help us to honor doubts and questions as important parts of our own or another’s journey.
Personally, I believe that I passed through the early stages as I grew and then landed firmly in Stage 3 and found a comfortable place there. It was nice to be surrounded by a community of like-minded people, be instructed by a living prophet, and focus on trying to live by the standards I had been taught. Mormonism made me happy, gave me guidance, and strengthened me through trials. Looking back, I don’t think I ever had serious doubts about the truthfulness of the gospel. I feel that I could have been content to live in this stage forever. My testimony was strong but relatively static.
All that changed a year ago when nearly everything I believed about the church was called into question. I used to believe that doubt was the opposite of faith. Now I wonder if certainty might be. The world changed dramatically in the past hundred or so years. Science can explain so much more, and the internet has made information readily available. We have come to expect that when we have questions we should be able to find answers, and that truth should be provable. I feel like I have been certain of my testimony in the past, but certainty didn’t require any searching, pondering or faith. I had a brittle testimony rather than a flexible, growing one. In Alma we read:
Faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if you have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true.
Recently I stripped my testimony down and examined what I really know and what I merely believe. I came to the conclusion that knowing requires a certain level of tangible experience. Joseph Smith saw an angel, used the interpreters, and translated the plates. When he testified of The Book of Mormon’s truthfulness, I believe he knew. His experience is materially different than mine. When I study The Book of Mormon, something subtle changes in my heart and my life, and I believe it is true. In the past I have read it many times, but often as part of the checklist of gospel to-do’s. Lately I am learning what it means to “feast on the words.” Before I would have said, “I know The Book of Mormon is True”. Now I say “I believe” but the conviction behind the words is actually stronger. I believe that Thomas S. Monson is a prophet and I sustain him, but I can’t say I know. I have faith and hope in the Savior, His atonement, and the power that His grace has to change me, but not a sure knowledge.
Please understand that I am not being critical of anyone who chooses to use the words I know. I don’t need to judge whether their certainty comes from firsthand experience or untested faith. I hope that others won’t be critical that I no longer choose to use those particular words.
As I have searched for what I can actually say I know, it is only that there is a greater power, who is benevolent and willing to work in our lives. I have had experiences that I am certain are beyond coincidence or any other explanation, and those rare events have been so real that I can say with conviction that I know. All the rest is faith and hope, but I trust that’s enough.
In the final chapters of The Book of Mormon, Moroni speaks beautifully about faith, hope and charity. He writes:
Wheretofore, there must be faith; and if there must be faith there must also be hope; and if there must be hope there must also be charity. And except ye have charity ye can in nowise be saved in the kingdom of God; neither can ye be saved in the kingdom of God if ye have not faith; neither can ye if ye have no hope.
It appears that these three attributes are essential for eternal life and it is okay if certainty doesn’t happen until after this earth life. My experiences during this past year have pushed me out of my comfortable Stage 3 existence right into the deep lake of Stages 4 and 5. I’m treading water and staying afloat by relying on an ever growing faith and hope centered in Jesus Christ.
I think charity seems rooted mostly in Stage 6, and I might need another fifty-something years to work towards that. Let’s be patient with ourselves, each other and the Lord.
